welcome to the digital shithole of shpendium. this website exists because the domain was
available and my better judgment was not.
let me ask you — what the fuck are you expecting here?
okay, you are already here. i think about technology, world politics, nature, and beer — sometimes
separately, sometimes dangerously combined. i'm currently focused on several things that feel urgent
but will likely be forgotten by tuesday.
if you are looking for a professional portfolio, you have taken a wrong
turn at the internet. in fact, i am eager to know how you fell here. nevertheless, if you are
looking for someone who has 100+ wikipedia tabs opened, or knows some completely useless facts that could just keep you awake at night, you
are in the right place.
disclaimer: the rest of this site is a work in progress. much like my life.
completely useless facts
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void
thirteen facts that serve no practical purpose and will rattle around in your head
for the rest of the week. you’re welcome.
01
a group of flamingos is called a flamboyance. a group of owls is called a
parliament. a group of cats is called a clowder. none of this will ever help you in life.
02
the shortest war in history lasted 38 to 45 minutes. it was between britain and
zanzibar in 1896. zanzibar lost. this happened before your great-grandparents were likely born,
and it was still shorter than most meetings.
03
wombats produce cube-shaped poop. they are the only known animal to do this.
scientists spent actual time and resources figuring out why. the answer involves elastic
intestinal walls. you now know this.
04
bananas are technically berries. strawberries are not. neither are raspberries.
botanically speaking, a watermelon is closer to a berry than a strawberry is. the world is a
lie.
05
there are more possible iterations of a game of chess than there are atoms in
the observable universe. and yet people still lose to strangers online in under ten moves.
06
the eiffel tower grows about 15 centimeters taller in summer. metal expands
when heated. paris is literally bigger in july. no one is impressed by this at dinner parties,
but you will try anyway.
07
the word “assassin” is thought to derive from the arabic word for
hashish users. there was a medieval sect so feared that rumors swirled about their habits.
etymology is frequently unhinged.
08
a shrimp’s heart is located in its head. this is both anatomically true
and a reasonable metaphor for poor decision-making. shrimp have been doing this for 500 million
years and show no signs of reconsidering.
09
it is physically impossible to hum while holding your nose closed. you just
tried it. you’re welcome for the brief moment of self-awareness.
10
cleopatra lived closer in time to the moon landing than to the construction of
the great pyramid of giza. the pyramids are so old that woolly mammoths were still alive when
they were being built. time is deeply unsettling.
11
the inventor of the frisbee was cremated and turned into a frisbee after he
died. his name was walter fredrick morrison. this is either poetic or deeply strange. probably
both.
12
honey never spoils. archaeologists have found 3000-year-old honey in egyptian
tombs that was still perfectly edible. bees have been producing an immortal condiment this
entire time and we just put it in tea.
13
the human nose can detect over one trillion distinct smells. your brain is
running an extraordinarily sophisticated chemical analysis operation at all times, and
you’re using it to sniff leftovers to decide if they’re still good.
load more facts
i still want more facts
thoughts
← yes, take me back to the
void
you actually clicked through. bold move. here’s the situation: this page
exists, which is more than can be said for most of my plans. the thoughts themselves, however, have not
yet made the journey from my head to this screen. they’re in there somewhere, rattling around
between opinions about geopolitics and whether the second beer was a good idea. they’ll surface
eventually. probably.
—
nothing here yet. the thoughts exist, they’re just not particularly
interested in being written down. they’ll come around eventually. or they won’t.
that’s kind of the whole thing.
privacy policy
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void
let's get something straight: i am not harvesting your data. not out of some profound
respect for your digital sovereignty, but because you are simply not that interesting.
1. data collection
i do not use cookies. i do not track your session. i do not care how long you stared at the useless
facts. if i wanted to observe agonizingly average behavior, i would go to a supermarket on a tuesday
afternoon.
2. third parties
i have not sold your information to advertisers, foreign governments, or corporate algorithms.
frankly, even if i had it, they wouldn't want it. what is the market value of someone who clicked "i
refuse to self-reflect" on a random website? exactly.
3. your rights
you have the right to leave this website at any time. you had that right before you clicked on this
page, and yet here you are, reading a fake privacy policy just to see where the joke goes. this is a
stunning indictment of how you spend your free time.
playlists.
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music is the only thing i organize obsessively and without shame. some i built, some spotify built for me, some i just claimed. none of them are apologized for. four tabs: the ones i built, the concerts i attended, spotify's yearly verdict, and the playlists i claimed from others.
a meticulously curated sonic journey through the absolute peaks of metal and rock. every track is logically sequenced to create a seamless flow of energy, atmosphere, and power, bridging genres without breaking immersion. no shuffle required—experience the descent exactly as intended.
213 songs · 18hr 40minopens with: behemoth — post god nirvana
47 tracks, because 47 is prime. the playlist will stay at prime numbers as it grows — 47, 53, 59, and so on. in order, it tells something. on shuffle, it falls apart pleasantly. the genre range is wide enough to be suspicious.
47 songs · 3hr 59minopens with: eminem — the way i am
a sonic journey through the waves of grief. structured to move from the ritualistic descent and the heavy rage of loss, into the warmth of specific memories, and finally, the crossing toward acceptance. for the days when the silence is loud, but the love is louder.
every metallica song i care about, sequenced by album preference. the first six are the preferred records in order. after that, the s&m concerts bleed in — a way to revisit the same songs through a different room. no skip-worthy filler. no load.
162 songs · 16hr 57minopens with: metallica — enter sandman
by continuing to breathe while looking at this screen, you are entering into a
legally non-binding but spiritually damning agreement with me.
1. assumption of risk
you acknowledge that reading the content on shpendium.wtf is a spectacularly poor use of your finite
time on earth. i am not responsible for any ensuing existential dread, sudden realizations of
mediocrity, or the overwhelming desire to throw your phone into a river.
2. warranties and liability
this site is provided "as is," which is to say, entirely without purpose. there is no warranty that
the thoughts will ever actually be written down. if you somehow experience damages from reading
about an octopus's three hearts, that sounds like a personal medical issue, not a legal one.
3. intellectual property
don't steal anything from here. not because it's valuable, but because it's embarrassing. imagine
standing in front of a judge and admitting you plagiarized a joke about wombat poop from a
stranger's digital shithole. have some dignity.
4. dispute resolution
if you have a grievance with these terms, you agree to resolve it by complaining to your therapist,
who is already tired of hearing about your internet usage.
you have entered shpendium.wtf. this was your choice. no one made you do this.
you found the music tab. finally, someone with taste.
my spotify profile is the full picture. or stay here and get the context — why these playlists exist, what’s in them, and what state of mind built each one. the second option is more honest.
oh. you clicked the onlyfans icon. of all the icons on this page — the linkedin, the instagram, the perfectly respectable social links — that’s the one you went for. we’re not judging you. we are absolutely judging you. anyway, against all reasonable expectations and our better judgement, there is actually a page. we built it. we’re not proud. don’t get excited. it’s still this website.
you clicked ‘thoughts’. let me be honest with you — the thoughts exist.
they’re operational. they are simply not interested in being organized into something you can read.
the page is there. there is nothing on it. this is the preview.
the universe is about 13.8 billion years old, and it’s mostly empty. unfathomably,
incomprehensibly empty. you are in an infinite void of mostly nothingness, on a tiny rock, orbiting an
average star, in a galaxy among 200 billion others, in an apparently infinite universe. and yet here you
are, clicking on links. how delightfully absurd. the void doesn’t have much to offer right now,
but it’s pretty vast. much like the internet. take comfort in knowing that your insignificance is
cosmic in scale.
so you want to reach out? how delightfully optimistic. there are two ways to do this. one
goes to me. one goes to god. i’ll let you figure out which is which.
we need to talk. you have already consumed 13 completely useless facts. you probably stole
at least one of them to use at a party you haven't been invited to yet. why do you want more? what void
in your life are you trying to fill with wombat poop trivia? close this window. go outside.
this is getting pathetic. you came here for useless facts, you got 23 of them,
and you are still clicking buttons for more. this level of desperate consumption requires a paid
subscription. if you want more of my unhinged trivia, you will have to subscribe to my onlyfans.
you can find the link on the homepage of this shithole of mine. good luck.