shpendium ✓

@shpendium.wtf  ·  creator  ·  professional disappointment

i make content. the content is nothing. you will pay for the nothing and feel enriched. curator of pointless facts, artisanal blurs, and content that vaguely suggests something was there before you subscribed. it wasn’t. you will feel inexplicably seen by it. that part is free.

6 posts
∞ regrets
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fan reviews

“i don’t know what i subscribed to. i don’t know what i was looking for. i don’t know what i found. three stars.”

— someone’s dad, probably

“i sent a message asking what the content was. the message was read. no response came. i respect that more than i expected to.”

— anonymous, still waiting

“i described this page to my therapist. she said ‘that sounds like a cry for help’. she was talking about me, not the website.”

— former fan, now in recovery

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subscription tiers
broke free

the full blur experience. all six of them. this is your life now.

committed $9.99/mo

the images unlock. they are still nothing. but they are your nothing.

delusional $49.99/mo

above, plus a monthly dm with one useless fact. hand-selected. (e.g., ‘wombats produce cube-shaped poop’). still useless.

this page is a joke. there is no subscription. your card will not be charged. shpendium is not on onlyfans. if you found a way to give money here, please go home and reconsider your choices.

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take me home

subscribe

oh. you actually clicked subscribe. bold move. here’s the situation—there is no payment processor. there is no subscription. there is no exclusive content. there is only this modal, and the quiet sound of your expectations being lowered into the earth. you came to shpendium.wtf for what, exactly? think about it. take all the time you need.

take me somewhere less embarrassing

broke tier

ah. the free tier. you have selected “broke”, which is either an accurate description of your finances or a philosophical stance on the value of what’s being offered here. both are valid. both are correct. you now have full access to everything the free tier provides, which is the same blurs you were already looking at, in the same resolution, at the same level of nothing. welcome. nothing has changed. nothing will change. that’s the tier.

committed tier

$9.99 a month. you have selected the “committed” tier, which is a generous description of what is actually happening here. your payment has been… not processed, because there is no payment processor. the images remain blurred. they will stay blurred. deep down, you knew this would happen. and yet here you are, committed. the tier name was accurate after all, just not in the way you hoped.

actually take me home before i spend more money

delusional tier

$49.99 a month. fifty dollars. every month. for blurs and a useless fact. there are therapists who charge less than this per session and they would genuinely help you. i want you to sit with that for a moment. you are paying fifty dollars a month to learn that lobsters pee from their faces. the tier is called “delusional” and you selected it anyway. that is either the bravest or the most unhinged thing i have ever witnessed. i respect it. i am also concerned.

actually, where do i find a therapist

choose your tip amount

select an amount to directly support the continued production of nothing.

tip accepted

tip successfully accepted. i have already mentally spent this on a single expensive coffee. i will not be thanking you, but your donation to the void has been logged.

comment posted

your comment has been successfully discarded. we’re both better off this way. your thoughts were likely too profound and your grievances too legitimate for a digital shithole like this to handle. take this as a sign that you should probably share these feelings with a person. a real one. or just keep them inside. it’s what shpendium would do.